LOTR MY STYLE!
by stultissimus
Summary: Welcome to LOTR- MY STYLE! Please review!
1. In Moria

~*RIVENDELL*~  
  
"You nine shall be 'The Fellowship of the Ring'!" says Elrond.  
  
"Right!" says Pippin, contently. "Where are we going?"  
  
~*MORIA*~ (sorry, I skipped a bit)  
  
"Gandalf, I think there's someone following us!" says Eloijah.  
  
"It's Gollum!" says Gandalf, lighting his pipe. "He's been following us for three days!"  
  
"You know, you should really stop smoking- it's bad for you!"  
  
Gandalf got up and walked away.  
  
"HEY!" shouts Eloijah. "I WAS TALKING TO YOU!" Gandalf doesn't answer. Then there are noises.  
  
"Orcs!" gasps Legolas. Eloijah takes out his sword, Sting, but it isn't blue.  
  
"It can't be!" says Eloijah. "My sword isn't blue!"  
  
"Then what is it?" says Aragorn.  
  
Eight figures slowly come into view.  
  
Gandalf turns around. "I'm sorry, Frodo," he says, putting his hand on one of their shoulders. "I just have a mad obsession with tobacco."  
  
"I'm not Frodo!" says the creature. It's a human, Helen T.  
  
"You're not??" says Gandalf. "But... but the hair! And the eyes!"  
  
"Frodo is over there," says Helen T, pointing at Eloijah. "I'm Helen T by the way, but you can call me Smellen or Smelly or Eloijah or Frodo or Lil Nicky or Lil Helen or Lil Imi or Thommy or Tommy or Stultus or Stultissimus or just Helen if you want."  
  
"Right..." says Gandalf slowly. "Who are these, then?" he asks, gesturing to the other creatures.  
  
"Oh, these are Mariam, Helen M, Melissa, Juliet, Ceara, Annalise, Maria and Clare!"  
  
Gandalf looks at Clare. "It's Legolas!" he gasps.  
  
Legolas turns around, at the mention of his name. "Whadda you want?!" he shouts.  
  
"Over here, quick!" says Gandalf, and Legolas does a Matrix and lands in front of him. Gandalf makes him stand next to Clare and everyone gasps.  
  
"They're identical!" says Gimli.  
  
Gandalf looks at Gimli and then at Ceara. "So are you two!" he says.  
  
He then says to Helen T, "Are you the master of these creatures?"  
  
"Er... Sure, why not!" says Helen T.  
  
Gandalf bends down to talk to Helen M. "So, little Hobbit," he begins.  
  
"Hang on!" says Helen M, indignantly. "I'm not a Hobbit! I'm just a bit small! I hate you, Gaygolf!"  
  
"Er, sorry about her," says Mariam, quietly. "She's just a little conscientious about her height!"  
  
"And... Gaygolf?" Gandalf prompts.  
  
"Oh yeah, that," says Ceara. "It's just a little joke in a one-word story that me and Helen T wrote."  
  
"OK," says Gandalf, and he walks over to Helen M who is sulking in a corner. "I'm sorry, Helen M. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He holds out his hand to shake hers. "Friends?"  
  
"OK, whatever," says Helen M, grumpily.  
  
"Good," says Gandalf and he stands up.  
  
Meanwhile, Helen T and Juliet are talking to Eloijah. Eloijah is offering an acting job in LOTR to Helen.  
  
"Yeah, I'd love to!" says Helen.  
  
"But what about school," interjects Juliet.  
  
"Oh yeah," says Helen. "If I go to New Zealand, I won't be able to give Latin Insults to Patty."  
  
"Who's Patty?" asks Eloijah.  
  
Suddenly there's a big bang and screaming as two creatures run past them and jump on Boromir.  
  
"THAT'S Patty," says Helen T. "The one in the pink top."  
  
Eloijah looks over to the two women hugging and trying to kiss Boromir.  
  
"Why are they so obsessed with Boromir?"  
  
"Oh, they fancy Sean Bean," says Juliet.  
  
"I don't think they do anymore," says Helen T to Juliet. "They're more into Colin Firth now."  
  
"Oh," says Juliet. "Then why are they hugging and kissing Sean Bean?"  
  
"Dunno," says Helen T. "Let's go and ask them."  
  
They walk over to them. "Hey, Patty," says Helen T. She doesn't respond. "Patty!!... Foy!... HEY, STULTISSIMUS!" She pulls Patty's hair.  
  
"Ow!" says Patty, responding at last. "What was that for?"  
  
Helen T shrugs. "You weren't listening." She says.  
  
"How come you're all over Sean Bean if you like Colin Firth now?" asks Juliet.  
  
The other woman looks up. It's Maxy! "That's old news," she says. "It was sooooo last week."  
  
"Yeah," agrees Patty. "Now we're back on Seany!"  
  
Helen T and Juliet's mouths are wide open. "You're acting like such teenagers!" says Juliet.  
  
"Well, we were teenagers ten years ago," sighs Patty. "HEY! HE'S GETTING AWAY!"  
  
She points at Boromir, who is quietly walking to the exit. Patty and Maxy run after him and he starts running as well, but as he's not wearing running gear, and as Patty and Maxy volunteer for the staff netball match every time there is one, they catch him easily.  
  
"You're not getting away that easily!" says Maxy.  
  
Annalise, Ceara and Mariam are meanwhile talking to Gandalf about the quest.  
  
"Wow!" says Annalise, when Gandalf is finished. "Can I join the fellowship?"  
  
"And me!" says Ceara.  
  
"And me!" says Mariam.  
  
Gandalf calls everyone together, apart from Boromir, who can't get away from Patty and Maxy.  
  
"I would like to invite all these eight humans to join 'The Fellowship of the Ring'!"  
  
They all have a little mini meeting and then Helen T says to Gandalf, "We have conversed and decided to join the Fellowship!"  
  
Everyone cheers.  
  
"Sorry, but Patty and Maxy have to join if we're joining," says Juliet.  
  
Boromir groans.  
  
"Well, looks like we're going to have to go and destroy the ring!" says Gandalf. They make their way to the bridge, but the orcs start chasing them and trying to shoot them. Legolas keeps shooting his arrows at them and miracously getting perfect aim .  
  
Finally, everyone is over the bridge but Gandalf. Fire Breathing Thingy (aka FBT) is trying to get over, but Gandalf is yelling "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"  
  
Eloijah is looking real bad because Gandalf is going to die and everyone else is biting their nails.  
  
At last, after about 5 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"es, Gandalf gets rid of FBT and sighed. He's about to walk off to the others, but then he gets thrown off the bridge by FBT's whip.  
  
As he's hanging off by his fingertips, he looks at them all and said, "Fly, you fools!" And is gone.  
  
Eloijah shouts, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Mariam says, "Hey, how dare he call me a fool!" They all make for the exit. Eloijah has to be carried cos he's crying to much (baby...).  
  
According to Aragorn, the hilltop will be swarming with orcs by nightfall and they must get to Lothlorien a.s.a.p.  
  
"Give them a minute, for pity's sake!" shouts Boromir.  
  
But Aragorn will not.  
  
Eloijah has walked off. Helen T shouts, "Hey, Eloijah! Get your arse over here!" She walks up to him. "You know, I heard that in the next movie, Gandalf comes back!"  
  
"Really?!" says Eloijah, brightening. "Wow!"  
  
"Oh hurry up!" says Aragorn, who has taken the role of Gandalf. "We have to go and destroy the ring!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	2. Uh oh Run, Elojah!

~*LOTHLORIEN*~  
  
At last they arrive at Lothlorien.  
  
"Greetings," says Aragorn to Haldir. "We have come to seek refuge here."  
  
Haldir looks at him weirdly, but then Legolas punches Aragorn out of the way and Aragorn falls over. Legolas looks at Haldir, and says some Elfish to him.  
  
Haldir nods, and they all go into Lothlorien. The Hobbits all look around and go "Wow". The humans (apart from Aragorn who's still knocked out) look as though they're in a none-existing world (well... it's not THAT far from the truth, is it??)  
  
When it's bedtime, the Hobbits grumble because they have to sleep in bunk beds.  
  
"Oh, quit complaining," says Melissa, irritably.  
  
"Yeah, you're lucky to even have beds!" says Ceara. "Look at us!" She, Annalise and Maria have to sleep on the floor, because the elves were only expecting nine in the fellowship.  
  
"Hmmm, I suppose so," says Merry.  
  
"Have a good night's sleep!" teases Pippin, laughing.  
  
They all drift off......  
  
Suddenly, Eloijah wakes up, and for some weird reason seems to think that going down to the clearing is a good idea (weirdo...). But then Galadriel stalks stalking him, only it looks as though Eloijah is stalking HER because she's in front of him.  
  
When Eloijah woke up, though, he woke Mariam up too.  
  
"Hey!" whispers Mariam. "Eloijah! Psst!"  
  
Mariam is being too loud, though, and wakes Helen T and Helen M up as well.  
  
"What's going on?" says Helen M, sleepily.  
  
"Yeah, why are you calling Eloijah?" says Helen T. "Shut up, we're trying to sleep!"  
  
"Eloijah's acting real weird," whispers Mariam. "He's gone down there!"  
  
Helen M suddenly sits up. "Let's stalk him!" she says.  
  
"Yeah," agrees Helen T.  
  
So all three of them creep down in the direction that Eloijah went to, but they can't find him.  
  
"It's this way," says Mariam.  
  
"No, it's this way," says Helen T.  
  
"No, it's THAT way," says Helen M.  
  
"OK," says Mariam. "Let's all go separate ways!"  
  
So they part and go down different paths.  
  
After about five minutes of wandering, Helen M and Helen T meet up again.  
  
"Hi!" they say, simultaneously.  
  
"Our paths must have crossed," says Helen M.  
  
"Where's Mariam?" asks Helen T.  
  
"Dunno," says Helen M, intelligently.  
  
"Where's Eloijah?"  
  
"Dunno."  
  
"Shall we try and find them then?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
Meanwhile, Eloijah has caught up with Galadriel and she's trying to make him put his head into a bowl of water.  
  
"Hey, no way!" Eloijah keeps insisting. "Why would I wanna do that?"  
  
"It's a goddamn mirror!" Galadriel says. "The mirror shows many things; things that were... things that are... and some things that have not yet come to pass."  
  
Eloijah looks doubtful, but then looks at the water.  
  
But then Helen T and Helen M see what's going on, as they come down the steps.  
  
"Elojah!" Helen M shouts. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"Why shouldn't he do that?" Helen T asks.  
  
"Because Galadriel is gonna try to steal the ring!"  
  
"How do you know that?" Helen T asks, astonished.  
  
"Duh, I've seen the film."  
  
Eloijah hears them and looks up. He overbalances, tips the bowl over and it smashes on the floor.  
  
"Argh! My mirror!" shouts Galadriel. Her eyes fall on Eloijah. "I'll get you, you.... You..."  
  
They decide to run away, sharpish.  
  
They run back and wake everyone up, but Patty won't wake up.  
  
"Patty! Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!"  
  
She won't wake up, so they decide to leave Boromir to wake her up, while the rest of them run away. But Sean Bean, being a bit of an idiot and a coward, decides to leave Patty where she is (How mean!) and runs away.  
  
They all get out of Lothlorien, but then Helen T realises something. "Oh my god, we've left Mariam behind!"  
  
Legolas turns around. "Where is she?" he asks.  
  
"She got lost, when we went looking for Eloijah!"  
  
Legolas runs off back to Lothlorien to look for her.  
  
Aragorn shouts for him to come back, but Legolas ignores him.  
  
When he gets to Lothlorien again, he has to turn invisible (a talent that he has never revealed to Peter Jackson before) in case Galadriel finds him.  
  
He's quietly walking through the woods, when he bumps into something.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"OUCH! Who's that?"  
  
"Who's THAT?"  
  
"I can't see you!"  
  
Legolas turns uninvisible. He sees who it is; it's Arwen!  
  
"Arwen!" he says, astonished. What are you doing here? You're from Rivendell, aren't you?"  
  
"Yeah, but I came looking for Aragorn."  
  
They begin talking quietly, and Legolas realises that Arwen is looking at him in a different light.  
  
Arwen, on the other hand, has fallen completely in love with Legolas. She's forgotten about Aragorn, and is fully concentrating on Legolas.  
  
She mentions this, and Legolas says, "But you're going out with Aragorn, aren't you?"  
  
"I'm an elf, I can manage two guys at the same time."  
  
"O...K." Legolas looks extremely worried and, as Arwen leans over to try and kiss him, he hears a voice.  
  
"Hey! Orli! ORLI!" Its Mariam, shouting!  
  
"Hey, would you look at that!" says Legolas, quickly. "I found Mariam! Gotta go, rescue her! It was great talking to you, but I gotta go now!"  
  
He goes over to Mariam, and they quickly run out of Lothlorien together, back to the fellowship.  
  
"You're my hero, Orli!" says Mariam, dreamily.  
  
"It was nothing," he says, embarrassed.  
  
"OK, enough chitchat," says Gimli, annoyed. "We're missing someone else. No, TWO people."  
  
"Oh yeah, that's Seany and Patty," says Maxy, absentmindedly. "Patty's still asleep, and Seany made a run for it, back to Rivendell."  
  
They don't bother looking for them, as everyone is much better without them.  
  
"Now, forward, and let's destroy the Ring!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	3. On the Great River

~*AFTER LOTHLORIEN*~  
  
The Fellowship walk until they come to a big river.  
  
Ceara, who has LOTR the book open in front of her, says, "OK. Now, according to the book, we're supposed to get in some boats and sail down the river."  
  
Aragorn looks at the book. "Hang on a minute..." he says, consulting it. "It says here that we're supposed to sail out of Lothlorien, and Galadriel kisses Frodo. Ewww!"  
  
"Urgh!" says Eloijah. "I'm glad we've mucked up the story; I don't want her kissing me!"  
  
"Yes," says Aragorn. "Galadriel can't kiss Frodo because we're no longer in Lothlorien."  
  
"Er, excuse me," says Maxy. "But we should really try to pick up on the story here."  
  
"Maxy's right," says Gimli. "Let's get on the river, and try to do what the book says from now on."  
  
"Ok," says Aragorn, sighing. "Erm... has anyone got any boats?"  
  
They all look at Legolas.  
  
"Ok, Ok," he says. "But don't tell Peter Jackson! He's been trying to squash some magic out of me!"  
  
"Well," says Pippin. "You have got a lot of it!"  
  
"Yeah!" says Sam. "There's...your ability to turn invisible."  
  
"The fact that you can make things materialise out of thin air," says Merry.  
  
"How you can fly," says Pippin.  
  
"How you can make objects fly," says Sam.  
  
"How you can get absolutely perfect aim when you shoot an arrow," says Merry.  
  
"How you can make lasers comes from your eyes and so anything that comes into contact with the laser is destroyed," says Eloijah. Everyone looks at him, and there is a silence.  
  
"I can't do that," says Legolas, quietly.  
  
"Oh... right," says Eloijah. "Damn!"  
  
So Legolas makes eight boats materialise.  
  
"Two to a boat!" Aragorn shouts.  
  
"Ok," says Pippin, slowly. "Let's do this logically. Eloijah and Sam. Merry and me. Aragorn and Legolas. Gimli and... Let's say, Maxy. The two Helens. Melissa and Juliet. Mariam and Maria. Clare can go in a boat on her own."  
  
"Hey!" says Clare. "I don't wanna be on my own!"  
  
"OK," says Aragorn. "I'll go on my own, you can go with Legolas!"  
  
"No!" says Mariam. "I wanna go with Legolas!"  
  
"OK, Clare can go with Maria!"  
  
They all get in their boats, and, with Aragorn in the lead, they set off down the Great River.  
  
After hours and hours, everyone is in a mood because Pippin and Merry keep saying "Are we nearly there yet?" every five minutes, but they come across these two really big statues of these old dudes.  
  
"Ooohh!" say the Hobbits. They all look at the statues and continue looking at them long after the boats have past.  
  
"Er, guys," says Clare. "GUYS!"  
  
"Shhh!" says Annalise. "We're trying to appreciate the art!"  
  
"BUT WE'RE ABOUT TO FALL OVER A WATERFALL!!" Clare yells.  
  
They all look around, and see a waterfall right in front of them, and quickly steer to the shore.  
  
"Right," says Melissa, when they're all on the shore. "What happens next?"  
  
"Er," says Ceara. "There should be some orcs here soon."  
  
"But in the meantime?" Aragorn prompts.  
  
"Boromir tries to steal the ring off Frodo."  
  
"Oh. Well, Boromir isn't here."  
  
They all look at Legolas.  
  
"OH, ALRIGHT!!!" he says. "But only this once!" He closes his eyes for a while and concentrates really hard.  
  
Meanwhile, everyone else is talking. Juliet and Maria are talking to Maxy. Maxy's sad because she misses Patty.  
  
"Never mind," says Juliet, cheerfully. "We all miss her!"  
  
"She'll be back some day," adds Maria.  
  
"Now you can be OUR friend!!" says Juliet, in the 'join us friend, room for one more' voice  
  
Maxy looks at her, terrified. "You know," she says, "I think that I don't miss her as much anymore!"  
  
Suddenly Legolas looks up. Everyone looks at him. "Boromir is over there," he says, pointing.  
  
Aragorn and Gimli walk over and come back with, surprise surprise, Boromir!  
  
"Where's Patty, Seany!" Maxy asks him, anxiously.  
  
"Er..." says Boromir. "She... kinda... got lost."  
  
Maxy does the Maxy look on him, third degree, to show that she is very angry.  
  
"But," says Boromir, hastily. "I'm sure she's going to be back real soon!"  
  
"Good!" says Maxy, contently, and walks off to read her Shakespeare book.  
  
"What REALLY happened to her," says Pippin, quietly.  
  
"She tried to kill me when I said I wouldn't marry her, and so I legged it," says Boromir, discreetly.  
  
Pippin shakes his head and walks over to sit next to Maxy and read his Harry Potter book (yeah, I don't get it either).  
  
"So, where are these orcs?" says Aragorn.  
  
"I TOLD you," says Melissa. "Boromir has to try and steal the ring first!"  
  
"Well, he doesn't have a clue that he has to do that!" says Gimli.  
  
"Does he HAVE to do that?" asks Clare, exasperated.  
  
"Well... yeah."  
  
"Uh, excuse me?" says Maxy. "Didn't I say that we should follow the book from now on?"  
  
Everyone grumbles.  
  
"Someone should really go and tell him he has to do that," says Pippin.  
  
They all look at Legolas.  
  
"NO!" he shouts. "I have to stay here for... for... err, medical reasons."  
  
Aragorn looks at him weirdly but then says, "He can be kind of dangerous at times. He has to be handled by a trained professional."  
  
"Well, nobody is bothered to get him, so why don't we just leave him?" Mariam points out.  
  
"Hey, where's Eloijah?" says Helen T.  
  
Everyone looks around, but he's nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Oh fine, I'll go and look for him," says Helen T and she runs off.  
  
"But what about Boromir?" says Juliet.  
  
"We'll go and find him!" say two small voices. Everyone looks around to find Pippin and Merry.  
  
"OK, good," says Gimli, who had had enough of the two Hobbits, and before Aragorn could stop them, they were off.  
  
"Now look what you've done!" Aragorn shouts at Gimli. "We're never gonna see them again now!"  
  
They turn their backs on each other.  
  
"Hey, look!!" says Maxy after a while. She points at the hill.  
  
"Who is it?" asks Sam, squinting up at the two figures.  
  
"It's... it's... Oh my god, it's Patty!" shouts Maria.  
  
"And... who else?"  
  
Aragorn sighs at the exact moment Legolas groans. "It's Arwen!" they say, simultaneously.  
  
"Where's my Seany!" Patty says as soon as she reaches them.  
  
"We dunno," says Annalise. "He got lost, so we've sent Pippin and Merry out to look for him."  
  
"What?" says Legolas, who just realised where Merry and Pippin had gone. "Oh no! We've got to find them! The orcs will be here soon, remember? I'll go and look for them."  
  
"I'm coming with you, Orli!" says Mariam, as Legolas runs off. She runs after him.  
  
"And where's Eloijah? And Helen T?" says Patty  
  
"Helen T went out looking for Eloijah who got lost," says Ceara.  
  
"So, who's left?"  
  
"Aragorn, Gimli, Sam, Annalise, Ceara, Helen M, Melissa, Juliet, Patty, Maxy and me," says Maria.  
  
"Oh, that sucks," says Patty.  
  
There's a little silence, and then, a rumble.  
  
Aragorn looks up. "It's the orcs!"  
  
Everyone gasps and screams.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	4. Bye Bye Seany

~*ON SHORE*~  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas and Mariam have found Pippin and Merry.  
  
"Hi Orli!" says Pippin. "How come you're here?"  
  
"And who's she?" asks Merry.  
  
"I've come to find you two!" says Legolas. "And this is Mariam. You know her, remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah," says Pippin, eyeing Mariam. "So, what are we going to do now?"  
  
Legolas rolls his eyes. "We're going back to everyone else."  
  
"But we haven't found Boromir yet!" says Merry, disappointedly.  
  
"Yeah," agrees Pippin. "We wanna find Seany!"  
  
Legolas, Merry and Mariam all look at him. Pippin looks sheepish. "I was talking to Maxy earlier today," he explains.  
  
"Right," says Legolas. "Now, we must go back!"  
  
But suddenly there's a loud noise, a horn.  
  
Mariam gasps. "It's an orc's horn!"  
  
"Ahhhh!" Legolas screams, and shows his true colours at last by running away and abandoning them all.  
  
"Hey!" Merry shouts. "Come back!" He turns to Mariam and Pippin. "All this time he's been pretending to be some heroic... hero, and now he's just run out on us!"  
  
"No time for that!" says Mariam. "We've gotta run from the orcs!"  
  
They all try to run away, but because they're so short, the orcs catch them.  
  
"Ahhh!" Mariam screams as an orc grabs her and puts her over his shoulder.  
  
"Ahhh!" scream Pippin and Merry as the same happens to them.  
  
The orcs all run away with the three of them as prisoners.  
  
Meanwhile, Helen T is still searching for Eloijah. She walks up a very leafy hill, and over a felled tree. Then she sees a small figure sitting on a rock.  
  
She walks up to the figure. It's Eloijah!  
  
"Hi Eloijah!" she says.  
  
"Hi," Eloijah replies, gloomily. He's fingering the ring in his hand.  
  
"What's the matter?" Helen T asks.  
  
"Nothing," Eloijah says. "It's just... sometimes I wish that things... that some things had never happened."  
  
"What? Like the ring?" she asks.  
  
Eloijah looks at her. "Yeah," he says slowly, and a smile begins to creep back (he looks so cute when he smiles!). "Hey, listen. I was thinking. I'm going to Mordor alone, to destroy the ring."  
  
Helen T gasps.  
  
"And," he continues. "I was wondering... Do you wanna come with me?"  
  
"Hell yes!" Helen T says, without thinking. "But what about everyone else?"  
  
"What about them?" Eloijah grins. "I'm pretty sure they're old enough to look after themselves."  
  
Helen T laughs. "Not if you're Patty Foy," she says.  
  
He laughs as well. "Maxy will look after her," he says. "Come on, let's go."  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn and Gimli are fighting the orcs. Aragorn is about to stab on of them through the head when he realises that it's not an orc as he had assumed; it's Boromir!  
  
"What are you doing here?" Aragorn says.  
  
"Well, the book says that I get shot by an orc, so I came back to die basically," says Boromir, grinning.  
  
"Right..." says Aragorn slowly.  
  
Gimli comes running and puffing up to them. "This forest is too dense!" he says. "What's the name of it?"  
  
"Erm," says Boromir. "I think it's the Elijah Wood."  
  
"Whatever it's called, the trees are too many- I can't see any more orcs!"  
  
Aragorn squints. "I can. They're over there. Let's get them!" They all charge up to the orcs and heroically start stabbing them, and taking all their brains out.  
  
"Where are the others?" Gimli asks. "Patty and Maxy and Annalise and Helen M and Juliet and Maria and Melissa and Clare and Ceara and all of them?!"  
  
"Er," says Aragorn, slashing an orc's head off. "I dunno. Maybe they did a runner."  
  
"Yes," says Boromir quietly, punching the air.  
  
"Hang on," says Gimli. "They're over there. I can see Clare's blonde hair!"  
  
He runs over to the shore and is about to say, "Hi Clare!" when he realises. It's not Clare! It's Galadriel!  
  
"Ahhh!" says Gimli, screaming.  
  
"I'm gonna KILL YOU!" says Galadriel, running after him.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir run up to Gimli.  
  
"What's the matter?" Aragorn asks him.  
  
"It's Galadriel!" he whimpers. "She's trying to kill me!"  
  
"Not if we kill her first!" says Boromir, and with that, he and Aragorn run up to her, grab her and throw her into the river.  
  
Boromir dusts off his hands. "Happy?"  
  
Gimli grins.  
  
Meanwhile, Ceara, Annalise, Sam, Helen M, Melissa, Juliet, Maria, Patty, Maxy, Clare and Arwen are all sitting down, reading (apart from Patty, who's listening to Coldplay on her Walkman.) Maxy keeps gasping and saying, "Oh my Eru!"  
  
"Oh shut up," says Annalise the eighteenth time this happens. "It's not like you haven't read all of it before."  
  
Maxy sticks her nose in the air and says, "Shakespeare was a great writer. He can sustain a plot as well as I can!"  
  
Annalise rolls her eyes. "Whatever."  
  
Suddenly Helen M throws down her book and says, "This sucks! It's so boring! Where's Mariam?"  
  
"She's gone to look for Pippin and Merry."  
  
"And where's Mr Frodo?" Sam asks.  
  
"Helen T's gone to look for him," says Juliet. "But she's been gone for ages!"  
  
"I'm going to go and look for them!" says Sam, and he runs off. Since everyone is too tired to even move, nobody bothers to follow him.  
  
After about five minutes more, Helen M cracks again and says, "This is so boring! Let's play a game or something!"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Let's play... TIG!" she says. (You need to read the interview with Billy Boyd on the Newsround website to get this).  
  
"What's that?" says Arwen.  
  
"Oh, it's an old British game," says Helen M, smiling. "Double-tig is tag."  
  
They begin playing tig, and then Arwen double-tags Melissa.  
  
"You can't double-tag a tig. You have to tig tig a double-tag!" says Helen M  
  
"What?" says Arwen, confused. "I don't geddit!"  
  
"I don't think any of us do," says Ceara, sighing.  
  
Helen M sighs, frustrated. "Look," she says. "It's a game that Pippin taught me, tig."  
  
"But nobody understands it!" says Patty.  
  
"Fine," she says, sitting down. "Let's read again."  
  
"No!" says Maria. "That's so boring! Let's play... Catch the Orc!"  
  
"How about Catch and Kill the Orc?" suggests Juliet.  
  
"Yeah!" says Clare, so they all get up and get their swords out.  
  
"I never knew you had a sword," says Maxy to Patty.  
  
"I never knew YOU had a sword!" says Patty.  
  
"Let's go!" says Annalise. They all run off and try to kill the orcs, but Helen M, Ceara and Annalise get captured by orcs.  
  
"Argh!!" they all scream, as they get carried off.  
  
Patty and Maxy run for a long way, until they meet Aragorn.  
  
"Patty! Maxy!" he says. "Er... you may not want to go over there."  
  
"Why?" they ask. Patty shoves Aragorn out of the way and runs over.  
  
"Oh my Eru!" she screams. "It's Seany!! AND HE'S DEAD!"  
  
"WHAT??!!" Maxy screams. "Ahhh!" They both run over to Boromir, who's lying dead on the floor. They start crying, and when Aragorn puts him in a boat and shoves him off the waterfall, Patty threatens to jump after him.  
  
"Don't do it, Patty!" Maxy shouts. "Let's go home! I won't be able to stand it if Seany's not here!"  
  
"OK," Patty sobs. "Where's Legolas? We need a helicopter!"  
  
"Legolas is gone to find Merry and Pippin," says Aragorn.  
  
"Fine," Patty sniffs. "We're going to walk home then!"  
  
Aragorn stifles a laugh. "Er, good luck!" he says, trying not to laugh.  
  
They both walk off.  
  
Meanwhile, Helen T and Eloijah are preparing a boat to go to Mordor.  
  
"How far is Mordor?" Helen T asks.  
  
Eloijah shrugs "Dunno," he says. "But it says here in the book that we meet Gollum and he tells us the way."  
  
"Oh right," says Helen T. They push the boat out and are nearly in the middle of the river when they hear a voice  
  
"MR FRODO!" It's Sam!  
  
"Go back, Sam!" Eloijah yells. "I'm going to Mordor alone! With Helen T!"  
  
"Of course you are!" Sam shouts back. "And I'm coming with you!" He walks out into the river, thinking he's Jesus and he can walk on water, but, of course, he sinks.  
  
"SAM!" Eloijah shouts. "You can't swim!" He puts his hand into the water and pulls Sam out, and Sam gets into the boat.  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn and Gimli are still fighting the orcs. Juliet, Maria, Arwen and Melissa have all got lost in the Elijah Wood. Arwen is annoying Melissa by talking about Legolas 24/7.  
  
Finally Melissa shouts, "SHUT UP!!" and Arwen goes off in a sulk.  
  
"Well done," says Juliet. "We've probably lost her now."  
  
Meanwhile, Patty and Maxy are still walking and Aragorn and Gimli are still fighting orcs.  
  
Eloijah, Helen T and Sam have arrived near Mordor.  
  
"Well, that's Mordor," says Eloijah. "I hope the others find a safer path than ours. I don't suppose we'll ever see them again."  
  
"We may, Mr Frodo," says Sam. "We may."  
  
Eloijah smiles. "Sam. I'm glad you're with me."  
  
"Me too, Dale!" says Sam in a Dale Winton voice.  
  
Helen T and Eloijah look at him. "WHAT?!" they say, together.  
  
"Er... Nothing."  
  
And they set off for Mordor.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	5. How confusing is this storyline?

"Gandalf! Gandalf!" Eloijah sits up suddenly. "Oh, it was only a dream."  
  
"Are you alright, Mr Frodo?" Sam asks, getting up also.  
  
"Yes," Eloijah says. "I just had a nightmare."  
  
"We'd better get going then," Sam says. "Wake Helen up, will you."  
  
Eloijah wakes Helen, and they all begin to walk.  
  
"This is boring," Eloijah says after about half an hour.  
  
"The scenery's good though," Helen says. "Although it looks kinda familiar..."  
  
"That's because we've been here before! We're going round in circles! We'll never get to Mordor at this rate!"  
  
They all sit down and Eloijah has some water. "What's there left to eat?" he asks Sam.  
  
"Hmmm, let me see," says Sam, pulling out some things from his bag. "Bread... bread... and, oh, look at this- MORE bread."  
  
"Big choice, really," says Eloijah, as Sam passes around the bread.  
  
"Urgh," says Helen. "This stuff is gross!"  
  
"Yeah," Sam agrees. "But it's all we have."  
  
"Dammit," says Eloijah. "So we have to live off this stuff for the rest of the journey?"  
  
"Dunno," says Sam, cheerfully. "Depends if we find anything better."  
  
"The thing that really throws me about you, Samwise Gamgee, is that you're always so Erudamn cheerful!"  
  
"Well, there's not much point being sad, is there now?" says Sam, shrugging.  
  
"Hey, I wonder where everyone is now," says Helen, suddenly. "I hope they're alright."  
  
"I'm sure they are," says Eloijah, getting ready to get up and walk again.  
  
But, little did he know that they're not, because, meanwhile, Mariam, Pippin, Merry, Helen M, Ceara and Annalise have all been captured by orcs.  
  
The orcs have finally put them down on some grass, but Pippin and Merry's hands have been tied together.  
  
"Why didn't they tie OUR hands together?" Ceara wonders out loud, cutting the rope around Pippins hands, while Mariam cuts Merry's rope.  
  
"Never mind that," says Annalise, impatiently. "How are we going to escape?"  
  
"I dunno," says Mariam. "Oh, I wish Orli were here, he'd know what to do!"  
  
"Err, do you remember what he did?" says Merry, as Pippin stifles a laugh.  
  
Mariam frowns, trying to remember.  
  
Merry watches her, grinning. "Let us help you," he says. "This 'hero' had just heard some orcs coming and what did he do?"  
  
"Legged it," says Pippin. "Some hero..."  
  
"Did he really do that?" Ceara asks, astonished.  
  
"No, of course he didn't!" says Mariam. "He would never do that! He's too brave!"  
  
"Hmmm," says Merry. "If you really think that..."  
  
"Yeah, I do," says Mariam. "Anyway, what are we going to do now? We need to get away!"  
  
Pippin quickly looks over at the orcs, who are arguing. "We could, y'know, quietly sneak away."  
  
"OK," Annalise whispers. "But get down, and crawl!"  
  
They begin to quietly crawl away, but a real ugly orc spots them. "Hey! Why don't we eat them?" he says, leering unpleasantly.  
  
"NO!" growls another ugly orc. "THEY ARE NOT FOR EATING!"  
  
Merry wipes his forehead with his hand and Pippin looks very relieved. Helen M nudges him to go, and they start moving again. Uh oh, BIG mistake- the ugly orc sees them...  
  
Meanwhile, Melissa, Juliet, Maria and Arwen are still lost in the Elijah Wood. There aren't any orcs left because they've all been killed, so Juliet, Melissa and Maria are all playing Spin the Bottle with Melissa's bus pass.  
  
After about half an hour, in which they've found out that Juliet actually has a house in Scotland, Melissa fancies Sean Bean, Anne Robinson is gay, Maria collects stamps, and Melissa wants to kill Clare.  
  
"Speaking of Clare," says Juliet. "Where is she?"  
  
Maria looks panic-stricken. "Isn't she with Arwen?"  
  
"No," says Juliet, looking concerned.  
  
"Then where is she??!"  
  
Melissa stands up. "We should try to find her," she says.  
  
In truth, Clare has joined Saruman in his attempt to destroy Middle Earth, because she was bored living an honest life.  
  
"Err... Where shall we look first?" says Maria, nervously.  
  
"Well, if you were Clare, where would you go?" says Juliet, pointedly.  
  
"I'm not sure," says Melissa. "Come on, let's go."  
  
Meanwhile, Eloijah, Sam and Helen T have set down to sleep for the night, but Gollum is creeping down the rocks, saying, "They stoles it from us! THEY STOLES IT FROM US! My preciousssssss..." He reaches out and tries to steal the ring from the chain around Eloijah's neck, when suddenly all three of them wake up.  
  
"HEY!" Sam shouts. "GET OFF HIM! GET OFF!" as Gollum tries to kill Eloijah. There's a big fight in which Sam beats Eloijah up (by mistake), and then Gollum is put on a dog's leash.  
  
"Let me go!!" screams Gollum. "LET ME GO!"  
  
Eloijah looks at him. "Now I see him," he says to Helen and Sam. "I do pity him."  
  
"OK, whatever," says Helen, ruining the moment as always. "Can we just get going, I'm freezing!"  
  
Sam looks at her, evilly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"No, she does have a point, Sam," says Eloijah, trying to keep a grip on Gollum's leash. "You will show us the way to Mordor," he then says to Gollum.  
  
Gollum whimpers.  
  
"You do KNOW the way, don't you?"  
  
"Oh yes!! We has been there many times! We will show Master the way!"  
  
Meanwhile, Gimli and Aragorn have been running along the cliff tops. Then they hear galloping hooves and they see loads of horses.  
  
Aragorn recognises the people.  
  
"People of Rohan!" he shouts. The horses come and encircle them. Then they both find spears being pointed in their faces.  
  
Aragorn raises a hand. "We are friends of your king. We are here to help."  
  
"Err, Aragorn?" Gimli says.  
  
"Not now!" Aragorn answers, brushing him away.  
  
"But..."  
  
"NOT NOW!" Aragorn continues talking to Eomor, the guy with the weird helmet.  
  
Gimli looks over, at the figure emerging on the horizon.  
  
"You may use these horses," Eomor says to Aragorn, whistling over to horses. "But where is the elf? Legolas? Surely he must be with you?"  
  
"No, he's not," says Aragorn, who has not yet read the books, and so doesn't know what's going on. "Why?"  
  
"He is supposed to be with you," says Eomor, frowning.  
  
"Anyway, have you seen any Hobbits?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"Nope," says Eomor. "We killed lots of orcs though!" he grins widely.  
  
Aragorn's eyes widen. "Erudammit! The Hobbits will have been with orcs. W- where are the corpses?"  
  
"Over there," Eomor says, pointing. "But we have to go now, time is money, come on people!" All the horses ride off.  
  
Gimli is still watching the figure, which is slowly coming nearer. Gimli begins to get very scared. It reminds him slightly of Men In Black.  
  
Aragorn watches them ride off and then says "Now. What is it, Gimli?"  
  
"There's- there's a guy stalking us... over there," Gimli answers, nervously, pointing.  
  
Aragorn looks over to where he's pointing, but Stalker Guy... is gone.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	6. OH MY ERU, HE'S GAY?

Meanwhile, Legolas, who has run away from the orcs, is wandering around. He comes to the edge of a great forest. He immediately recognises it.  
  
"Hey!" he says in wonder. "It's the Elijah Wood!" he walks into it, and as he walks through, he hears voices. He goes towards the sound of the voices. He hears crying, and when he goes round the next corner, he sees... ARWEN!  
  
"Oh crap!" he says, and quickly hides behind the tree again. He listens to the conversation between Arwen and some...guy.  
  
"What? Gimli?" Arwen says, laughing. "No, you don't really want to follow him, he's... well..." she giggles, and the other dude laughs as well.  
  
"Well who do you recommend then?" he asks, in a low voice.  
  
"Hmmm," says Arwen obviously thinking. "Legolas is real hot..."  
  
"Legolas? Oh, that guy in the blonde wig? Yeah, he's actually a skater, you know."  
  
"He's a what?"  
  
"You KNOW, a skater. In the film of The Two Towers, he skates down the stairs on a shield."  
  
"COOL! When?"  
  
"Later. When it's the battle of Helm's Deep."  
  
"There's a battle at Helm's Deep?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Does Legolas fight in it?" says Arwen, excitedly. "I bet he wins it for us, doesn't he? Oh, he's always been my hero!"  
  
There's a slight pause, and Legolas moves closer to hear more. At last, he hears the dude say,  
  
"Well, I'll see you at our next meeting."  
  
"Where? Here?"  
  
"Yes, or maybe at Mordor. Anyhow, I'll be in touch."  
  
"Mordor!" Legolas says to himself in wonder. "But that means... that means- "  
  
Suddenly he is lifted off the ground and slammed against a tree by the dude who was talking with Arwen. Arwen is standing behind him, doing the Maxy look.  
  
"Er..." says Legolas. There's a very long silence, as Legolas thinks of an explanation.  
  
"Is this Legolas?" asks the dude, curiously.  
  
"Uh huh," says Arwen.  
  
The dude smiles. "OK..." he says. "How much did you hear?"  
  
"Everything," says Legolas, gulping.  
  
The dude and Arwen exchange glances, and then the dude says, still smiling, "We'll spare you, elf, if you join us."  
  
Legolas glances around. "OK, sure, whatever," he says. The dude drops him and Legolas straightens up. "Who are you?" he asks the dude.  
  
Meanwhile, Eloijah has figured out that Gollum's real name is Smeagol, and so now everyone just calls him Smeagol.  
  
Smeagol is leading Eloijah, Sam and Helen T across a marsh full of dead people, and he warns them not to follow the lights, but Eloijah, being Eloijah and everything, DOES follow the lights, and then falls into the water (dumbass...).  
  
He swims around for a bit, enjoying the sites, until Smeagol pulls him out.  
  
"Hey!" says Eloijah. "What did you do that for?"  
  
"Yeah!" says Sam. "It looks fun! Let me have a go!" he jumps into the marshes and they all gasp.  
  
"Oh no!" says Smeagol, and tries to pull him out, like he did with Eloijah, only he can't find him.  
  
So they continue along the marshes, without Sam. Smeagol keeps on snivelling, and Helen and Eloijah keep exchanging glances.  
  
"Why is not Master upset?" Smeagol sobs. "Why does Master not cry?"  
  
Eloijah looks at him. "He was gay. Did you not know that?"  
  
Smeagol looks from Eloijah to Helen. Helen nods, and Smeagol starts crying.  
  
Then to Helen and Eloijah's surprise, Smeagol runs off crying, in the opposite direction.  
  
"Come back!" shouts Eloijah. "Oh, we'll never find our way to Mordor now!"  
  
"Sam gone... Smeagol gone... What are we going to do now?"  
  
Eloijah looks around desperately. "I don't know!"  
  
"OK," says Helen, taking off her backpack and sitting down. "Here we are." She marks a cross in the dirt off the ground. "Now all we need to do is get to Mordor, which is here." She marks another cross a little way off from the previous one.  
  
"And we do that... how?"  
  
"I dunno- I just like drawing!"  
  
Eloijah laughs. "You're one of a kind!" he says. "C'mon, we better be going then."  
  
"OK." Helen picks up her backpack from the ground and follows Eloijah.  
  
Meanwhile, Maria, Juliet and Melissa are still looking for Clare. But, of course, they don't find her because Clare has gone to join Saruman.  
  
Maria sits down on the ground. "We're NEVER going to find her!!"  
  
"Dude, I say we just... give up," says Juliet.  
  
"Yeah," agrees Melissa. "We're not gonna find her."  
  
"Oh OK then," says Maria, finally admitting defeat. "So, what to do now..."  
  
Juliet shrugs. "Whatever happened to Patty and Maxy?"  
  
"Dunno."  
  
"Well, maybe we could find them now!" Juliet suggest, cheerfully.  
  
"Dude, they went home," says Maria, eating an apple.  
  
"They did?" says Juliet, disappointedly.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Crap!"  
  
"I know!" says Melissa, suddenly. "We can go join the people of Rohan!"  
  
"Hey, cool idea!" says Juliet. "Where are they?"  
  
"Some place," says Maria. "But I know how to get there!"  
  
"OK, then what are we waiting for??"  
  
They start following Maria to the people of Rohan...  
  
Meanwhile, Merry, Pippin, Mariam, Helen M, Ceara and Annalise have escaped into a forest (but this forest isn't the Elijah Wood) and are hiding from the ugly orc. When he comes into the forest with a long knife, ready to cut them open and dice their insides, everyone has to hide up this tree.  
  
It's not until about five minutes later that Pippin realises that the tree is ALIVE!  
  
"Arghhh!" he screams, as the tree squashes the ugly orc.  
  
The tree begins to move, and everyone has to cling on frantically.  
  
"So," says Mariam, cheerfully. "Who are you then?"  
  
"I am Treebeard, an Ent," says the tree.  
  
"Wow, a tree shepherd," says Annalise, impressed.  
  
"And who are you?" asks Treebeard.  
  
"Well, we're hobbits, but they're humans," says Merry, beginning to relax a little.  
  
"Hobbits? Never heard of them before," says Treebeard, thoughtfully. "Sounds like ORC TROUBLE TO ME!!!"  
  
"No!!" says Pippin desperately. "No, we're Hobbits!"  
  
"Yeah, and we're humans," says Helen M, indicating herself, Mariam, Ceara and Annalise.  
  
"Hmmm," says Treebeard. "I will take you north, and then decide if you are orcs or not."  
  
"Gee, thanks mister," says Ceara.  
  
Meanwhile, Gimli is still possessed by the thought that he has a stalker.  
  
"I tell you, he was here! He was here, I tell you!"  
  
Aragorn is worried about his sanity and recommends they go into the forest to find Merry and Pippin (after he found evidence that's where they went).  
  
"Hmmm," says Gimli after some thought. "Then I suppose we'll have to."  
  
Meanwhile, Treebeard has taken Pippin, Merry and that lot into the depths of the forest.  
  
"Dude, where are you taking us?" says Helen M.  
  
"Yeah, I'm scared!" says Annalise.  
  
"Aw, shut up, both of you," says Mariam. She's in a very bad mood, due to the fact that Legolas has gone, and she finally knows the truth.  
  
"We're here!" says Treebeard, putting them all on the ground. "This is the White Wizard, Master of the Forest!"  
  
"OH MY ERU, IT'S SARUMAN!!" screams Ceara.  
  
"Well, that's not very nice," says a familiar voice.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


End file.
